THE number of sexual partners you’ve had is a deeply personal statistic, one that is yours to know and only share if you want to.
While society has thankfully mostly moved away from judging someone, especially women, based on this figure, unfortunately there can still be preconceived ideas connected to your ‘body count’.
“I always think of Hold Us Down by Christina Aguilera, which has the lyrics: ‘The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a w****’,” says Annabelle Knight, a psychosexual therapist and couples’ coach.
“That song came out 23 years ago but women are still fighting for some kind of equality around this topic and the judgements that come with it.
“The truth is, your number of partners doesn’t determine your value as a person.
“You’re no less intelligent, kind or trustworthy if you’ve had a greater or fewer number of encounters. Nor does it reflect your libido or the quality of your relationships.”
Casting all negativity and judgement aside, here Annabelle explains what the number of notches on your bed post could mean…
Less than three partners
- This could mean you’ve found a long-term relationship young, or you prioritise other things over sex
If you’ve had fewer than three sexual partners, you are below the UK average.
According to a 2023 YouGov survey the average number is four overall, but five for men and three for women.
Take these figures with a pinch of salt however, because age, cultural background and location affect the total, while societal pressures lead to some people masking the truth.
In fact, a 2017 Superdrug Online Doctors poll found 17.5 per cent of men have inflated their total, compared 8.2 per cent of women.
On the flipside, 18.6 percent of women have divulged a decreased number to others, compared with only 13.7 percent of men.
Annabelle says a smaller number does not necessarily mean a lower sex drive.
“Having only one or two partners could mean you’ve had a significant relationship for a long time,” she says.
“If that’s not the case, people may assume you’re a little prudish, conservative or naive.
“But you can actively choose not to be having sex with lots of people for a multitude of reasons, such as simply not feeling like it or sex not being a priority.
“Lots of people have a million other things that take precedent, like their career, family or hobbies.
“It’s not an indicator of being bad in bed, just having a busy life.”
Three to seven partners
- You’re average, and perhaps tend to favour monogamy
If the YouGov polling is to be believed, most of us are in this range.
The Superdrug research also found men and women said the ideal number of notches in a potential partner was between seven and eight.
“If your number is in this ballpark, it might suggest a few things,” says Annabelle.
“You’re open to new experiences but not reckless about it.
“You’ve had fun but are not in competition with anyone.
“It could also mean you enjoy dating and intimacy but prefer quality over quantity.
“You are probably ‘relationship minded’ but have enjoyed a couple of casual flings too.”
Which generation is having the most sex?
A new report has lifted the lid on bedroom antics.
The research, conducted by experts at Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, revealed the average number of times people of different generations have sex per month.
- Gen Z – three times a month
- Millennials – five times a month
- Gen X – five times a month
- Boomers – three times a month
Eight or more partners
- You are sexually confident and know what you like
While men have traditionally been feted for sowing their wild oats, women with a number that is higher than average have unfortunately and unfairly been shamed and called derogatory names.
“There’s an external viewpoint that your sexual history defines you, but in the past, this was often misinterpreted or misconstrued in a bad way,” says Annabelle.
“Societally I think we can shy away – or in some cases, fear – a sexually confident woman.
Why do we judge having sex five times a week in a committed relationship differently to sleeping with five different partners in the same time frame?”
Annabelle Knight
“But there can be pros to a colourful sexual history.
“It could be an indicator of how self-assured and sexually confident and free you are as a person, that you have great sexual agency and a desire and ability to prioritise pleasure.
“Why do we judge having sex five times a week in a committed relationship differently to sleeping with five different partners in the same time frame?
“I asked a university friend this question and she said it was sluttier – but I pointed out it was the same amount of sex.
“One person may have found Mr Right but the other is going with Mr Right Now – and that’s fine.
“For some people, what’s seen as promiscuity is appealing because you still get your sexual urges and needs met.
“You get to experiment with a lot of different sexual styles which helps you to discover your own.”
Nothing but a number
Whether you’re one and done or have a figure to rival Bonnie Blue, Annabelle says it’s vital not to worry about it.
“It’s dangerous to allow your body count to dictate your self-worth because it shifts the focus away from what’s actually important, which is sexual confidence, practising safer sex and being able to talk about that with a potential partner,” she explains.
“What matters is that each woman feels in control of her choices and satisfied with her experiences.
“Instead of focusing on the number and what that means to others, own your sexual history without shame or feeling as though you have to justify it.
“If someone reacts poorly to your total, I don’t think they are your person.
“Anyone with good, honest and loving intentions won’t tend to make a big deal out of it.”
