VINNIE JONES buried my tortoise alive.
It’s not exactly “Freddy Starr ate my hamster” – thankfully dear little Lightning was swiftly dug up, suffering nothing more than a dose of shell shock. But it’s a very true tale.
Jones was part of the legendary Wimbledon team who caused one of football’s biggest upsets by beating Liverpool in the 1988 FA Cup final[/caption]
The team lived up to their Crazy Gang tag on and off the pitch[/caption]
In 1986, Watford hod carrier Vincent Peter Jones was signed by newly-promoted First Division side Wimbledon (today’s Premier League) as a young but raw prospect with oodles of potential.
In one of the many debacles that plagued Harry Bassett’s magnificent and underrated career, he put the shy Hertfordshire bumpkin under the wing of my dad, midfielder Wally Downes Sr, and said: “Look after him.”
With Bassett’s Crazy Gang being a successful rabble of local working-class lads, when the Downes family swapped Shepherds Bush for Kingston-Upon-Thames, my old man didn’t check the Yellow Pages for landscape gardeners.
Instead, established first-team pros Mark Morris and Brian Gayle were made project managers – with Jones and a couple of young apprentices roped in to do the leg work.
Vin, full of the boundless enthusiasm that would later help him complete the most magnificent FA Cup upset, was eager to impress and set about building the patio.
Typically keen to graduate from the cement mixer to more architectural duties, the baby-faced and curly-haired midfielder installed the membrane with expert precision.
And then he organised the Dons’ apprentices to rapidly lay the paving slabs to help build new mentor Wally a bespoke BBQ and bar under the glorious weeping willow the previous owner had graced us with.
Unfortunately, the ex-tenant had also left behind Lightning – a beautiful tortoise who was hibernating throughout the course of the property’s sale.
It was agreed after the deeds were exchanged that my mum, Mary, would be in touch as soon as the ancient reptile emerged from its slumber.
However, in the weeks after we had the new patio laid, the dinky dinosaur never showed up.
And, after repeated visits to the mock-Tudor home, the deflated former owner eventually accepted the loss, along with the estate agents’ fees.
Then we realised…
And, thankfully before the RSPCA cottoned on, animal-loving Vinnie took a sledgehammer to his freshly laid paving and rescued the bemused Lightning – who is somehow still going today – from the most miserable of deaths.
Christ knows what the new neighbours thought, having watched the equivalent of a Premier League side strolling through the allotments and alleyways to build a garden.
Vinnie attacked the rescue mission with the same gusto with which he attacked games[/caption]
The ball-playing hardman was never afraid to get his hands dirty, as this iconic image of him embracing Paul Gascoigne from 1988 proves[/caption]
And he certainly never shied away from a challenge[/caption]
And then watching them rip into the ground like desperate pirates looking for treasure, while screaming: “Where the f*** has he buried it?… Get the f***ing thing up before it suffocates!”
The patio was eventually re-laid – but the Downes family never did make it on to the Neighbourhood Watch committee.
After nine Wales caps and big-money moves to Leeds and Chelsea, plus the odd scandal here and there, Vinnie remains a great family friend.
Books and documentaries about the phenomenal feats the Dons achieved – including that 1988 “Crazy Gang beating the Culture Club” FA Cup final upset against Liverpool – regularly pop up, anniversaries come and go.
Legends like London youth-football stalwart Geoff Taylor and the Dons’ unlicensed physio/licenced cab driver Derek French are still alive, kicking and screaming from London to Sheffield.
I will always remember Jonah as the man who ripped up that patio in record time
Teetotal Vinnie is now, of course, a movie star with over 100 film credits to his name, swapping his bad-boy antics for roles in hit shows such as The Gentlemen and on stage in the West End.
The fearsome image of a scrotum-squeezing maniac scything through the divisions – which earned Vinnie a reputation that overshadowed his technical ability and dedication as a player – is a black-and-white one for the ages.
He will probably always be the owner of the fastest yellow card in British football history for his caution after just FIVE SECONDS for Sheffield United against Manchester City in 1992.
But he is also a brilliantly relatable advocate for men’s mental health, showing a vulnerable side few people would ever have thought possible, following the heartbreaking death of wife Tanya.
He may now be starring in Hollywood movies with the likes of Brad Pitt, Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I will always remember Jonah as the man who ripped up that patio in record time.
A future football star obliterating bricks and mortar in a frantic search for a tortoise who didn’t have a clue why her charmed little life on a Surrey lawn had suddenly descended into a living hell.
Even when I pinged him a WhatsApp message to ask for his memories of the foul-up, he told me, in typical style: “Play on, son. The ref didn’t see it.”
Vinnie, seen here in his breakthrough Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels film from 1998, is now a bonafide Hollywood star[/caption]
His football talents should not be forgotten though, with the midfielder earning big money moves to Chelsea and Leeds, among others[/caption]
