DEAR DEIDRE: MY godfather made a pass at me when he picked me up to go to a family party. Now we are having a full-blown affair.
I am 18 and he is 45. He is married and his wife is pregnant.
She couldn’t go to the bash as she had to rest up in hospital because of some complications.
My godfather is one of my dad’s best friends. They work together at a car dealership.
Ever since I can remember, he has been a big part of my life.
When he offered to take me to my brother’s 21st birthday party, I jumped at the chance of a spin in his new Jaguar.
I got into the car and the smell of his aftershave was amazing, so I told him.
He started flirting with me and asked me about my boyfriends.
Although I was a bit embarrassed, I admitted I hadn’t been with anyone for a while.
He then said: “We should do something about that.” Having stopped in a lay-by, he kissed me.
I had never been with an older man. He was so bold, but I found myself responding and when he started talking in a very sexual way, I didn’t want it to stop.
Later that night when I got into bed, he texted me, suggesting I go over to his the following evening.
As soon as his front door closed, we were in each other’s arms. We had sex and it was great.
He knew what to do. He wasn’t clumsy or shy like other boys I’ve been with. He told me he loved me. He now wants to meet me for sex every week. I feel so guilty for his wife, though.
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DEIDRE SAYS: What a creep. While you seem flattered by the attention of an older, more experienced man, the reality is he has groomed you.
He was straight into satisfying his own needs without a thought for you or his wife.
I guarantee you won’t be the first person he has done this to.
And my prediction would be that this relationship won’t progress beyond you being expected to answer his calls for sex when he wants it.
Be the adult here and finish this affair. Why settle for being someone’s guilty secret? You deserve better than being treated this way.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, explains more.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
MY SCHOOL BULLY KEEN TO BE PALS
DEAR DEIDRE: AT school I was bullied relentlessly but, surprisingly, the ringleader now wants to be my friend on Facebook.
I’m a gay man of 25 and I hated school from the age of 15 because one other student and his entourage in my year made my life hell.
They taunted me about my sexuality.
When I got the friend request I was shocked. The unhappy feelings came flooding back, but something made me look at his profile.
There were snaps of him with his boyfriend!
I have never come out to my family or even had a relationship.
It’s unbelievable he would have the nerve to contact me. Do I accept his request or block him?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s ironic that he was grappling with his feelings around his sexuality and took his anxiety out on you. He may have liked you without you realising.
You owe him nothing, but talk through how best to tackle this with LGBT Foundation (lgbt.foundation, 0345 330 3030), a charity that offers help for those in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans community.
My support pack, Gay Questions, may help you to find the confidence to talk to your family when the time is right for you.
FELLA KEPT EX’S BONDAGE GEAR
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I saw a wardrobe full of bondage gear that had belonged to my boyfriend’s ex, I wondered what I was getting myself in to.
I have just moved in with my boyfriend. We met in Spain, where I was working in a bar and he was on a stag weekend. I’m 35 and he’s 38.
Things got serious pretty quickly, even though our relationship was initially long-distance after he returned to the UK.
My sister has just had her first baby and I was debating whether to move back to Britain anyway, when he suggested I live with him.
It seemed like the next natural step, but when I arrived at his house, I was surprised to see how cluttered it was – it seems he never throws anything away. There were bags of paperwork, old gym equipment and computer stuff packed to the rafters.
Yesterday, he went to work and, while I was looking for some hanging space for a few of my dresses, I came across loads of BDSM gear in the spare room.
There were corsets, gimp masks and handcuffs, as well as raunchy lingerie.
Last night I confronted him and he assured me his previous relationship is over.
He dismissed my worries, saying he has simply never got around to getting rid of all her things. What do you think?
DEIDRE SAYS: If his reluctance to dispose of clutter and all these belongings is tantamount to hoarding, then you have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Remind him you are in his life now and you’d prefer it if his ex’s possessions weren’t there.
If she won’t come and collect them, suggest that you take them to the tip because, by the sounds of it, none of it is very suitable for the charity shop!
The need to hoard things can sometimes come from previous trauma.
If you are concerned about him holding on to the past, find help, advice and answers through the charity HoardingUK (hoardinguk.org).
Addicted to buying clothes
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM worried I have a shopping addiction.
My wardrobe is bursting at the seams with clothes I’ve never worn and shoes that are still box-fresh.
I’m a woman of 26 and I grew up in a large family. Although we were happy, we didn’t have much.
My oldest sister was the one who had new things and then they got passed down.
It was only on our birthdays that we might be given a new item of clothing, which was treasured.
Now I’ve got a good well-paid job but my credit card is maxed out.
At the end of the last month I had to borrow money from my boyfriend, who is 30.
I vowed it wouldn’t happen again, but yesterday I ordered some trainers online. It’s more than a week until payday and I can’t afford any food.
DEIDRE SAYS: Spending like this is an addiction.
You’ve taken the first step by writing down that you have a problem. So now, take another step by finding effective ways to tackle it.
Cognitive behavioural therapy can help.
Your company may provide an employee assistance programme, and if not, find a local counsellor through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883 300).
