I reward my husband with sex for doing my list of DIY jobs – my pals are stunned & say it’s ‘unromantic’ & ‘abusive’

Elle*, 38, a PA from Birmingham explains how she ‘rewards’ her husband for doing household chores and DIY with sex, and why she thinks more women should try it…

Slipping into some sexy lingerie and spraying on perfume, I know my husband’s waiting for me in bed, ready for an evening of fun between the sheets.

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I’m more than happy to satisfy his fantasies because he’s worked hard for this ‘reward’. 

To ‘earn’ his night of passion, he’s been busy all day hanging new coat-hooks in our hall cupboard, weeding the garden and fixing a broken door-handle.

We have an arrangement in our marriage – if he wants sex, he needs to work for it, being useful around the house. 

We jokingly refer to it as ‘shags for sweeping’ but I’m totally serious when I say that if Mike* doesn’t pull his weight around the house, he doesn’t get any.

I realise it’s a pretty controversial way to decide when to sleep with the man I love, but it works for us. 

We have a healthy and fulfilling sex life and my home is pristine and well-maintained. What’s not to like?

We jokingly refer to it as ‘shags for sweeping’

It wasn’t always like this, but it’s a way of life I was driven to when I found myself, like so many women, carrying far too much of the load of running a family home on my own.

Mike, a joiner, and I met online in 2015 and married in 2017, moving into our first home shortly before our wedding.

I got pregnant quickly and our daughter was born in the summer of 2018. 

We decided I would become a full time mum until she went to school – Mike earned just about enough to support us and with childcare so expensive, it made sense for me to give up work for a few years. 

I threw myself into being a mum and housewife. That was my ‘job’ and I basically did everything, from the cleaning to odd jobs – if I wasn’t sure how to do something, I’d watch a You Tube video, and soon became pretty handy around the house, changing lightbulbs and even unblocking the washing machine filter.

We have a healthy and fulfilling sex life and my home is pristine and well-maintained. What’s not to like?

Mike worked hard during the day and in the evenings and at the weekends, he liked to spend time with our little girl, go to the gym and game online with mates.

I didn’t mind because he was the one bringing in the money, so I was happy to let him relax when he was at home, while I looked after the domestic side of our life.

Everything was great until 2022 when my daughter started school and I returned to work full time as a PA.

Suddenly, we were both rushing out in the mornings, Mike to a building site and me to an office, and not home again until early evening after one of us had picked our daughter up from the after school club or her gran’s house.

Unlike before, I had no time Monday to Friday to do much in the house, bar stack the dishwasher and put some laundry on, so I found myself spending the weekends cleaning, scrubbing, changing beds and catching up with DIY and gardening.

Mike, meanwhile, clung to his old lifestyle, treating the weekends as his chill time and doing the bare minimum to help.

It didn’t take long before I grew really resentful about the heavy load I was carrying at home, on top of my job, and on more than a few occasions I erupted with anger, shouting at him about how lazy he was. 

I’m normally a very calm, passive person so I hated feeling cross with him, and it wasn’t the sort of environment I wanted my child to be in either.

After one of those outbursts, he’d help more for a while by cutting the grass or cleaning the windows, but then drift back to his old ways. I’d find him lying on the sofa watching the footie while I was in my marigolds bleaching the toilet.

I hated that it took me being upset and angry to get through to him, albeit temporarily. 

This went on for around a year until one night in late 2023, I went to bed fuming with him and when he tried to initiate sex, probably for the first time in our relationship, I refused.

I told him I was shattered from a day of chores and going to the supermarket, sick of his lack of help and support, and that there was absolutely no chance of any action. 

Then I rolled over, gave him the cold shoulder and went to sleep.

The bigger the task he tackles, the more I’ll push the boat out with nice lingerie and massage oils

The next morning I woke up to find he’d been up early and cleaned the bathroom, fixed a drawer handle that had been loose for months and hoovered my car. He brought me a coffee in bed and said he really was sorry for not pulling his weight, before asking sheepishly, ‘can we have sex tonight?’

Just like that, I knew exactly how I was going to make sure the load was shared more fairly going forward, and our bedroom barter economy was born.

Over a year on, we’ve never been happier. 

Mike knows that if she does his fair share, sex is his reward. And if he doesn’t? I’ll put on my frumpy thermal pyjamas and go to bed with my Kindle!

And the bigger the task he tackles, the more I’ll push the boat out with nice lingerie and massage oils. After he cleared out the garage which had been full of boxes since we’d moved in, I gave him a night he won’t forget in a hurry!

One night, after a few too many drinks, I told some close friends about our ‘arrangement’ and they were stunned, but not in a good way. One of them said it was really ‘unromantic’, another said it sounded ‘abusive’ but I didn’t care what they thought. 

Now, when I hear other mums moan about their husbands not helping around the house, and how frazzled they are doing so much for their families, I feel smug because I’m no longer one of them.

I look around my lovely clean, organised home and perfect garden, and I know all I have to do to keep it like this is sleep with my husband, which I enjoy as much as he does.

It’s a win win situation as far as I’m concerned, and more women should try it.

*Names have been changed.

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