MANY parents may shudder at the thought of having to talk to their children about the ‘birds and the bees.’
But it’s a topic that shouldn’t be missed.
Parents should always be prepared to have the conversation with their child[/caption]
Dr Pam Spurr is a psychologist and parenting expert[/caption]
Dr Pam Spurr, psychologist and parenting expert, believes it’s important for the child so they can go on to have a happy and healthy relationship.
“Many years ago, I know of a British couple who were offered a whopping £2,500 to a relevant tutor to teach their children about sex,” she says.
“They felt so nervous about it, they thought they wouldn’t do a good job.
“Unfortunately, those parents had more money than sense, because there are some simple, straightforward tips to help blushing parents navigate this.”
Here in her own words, Pam reveals the top 10 tips on how and when to talk to your kids about sex, and the mistakes you need to avoid.
Be prepared from young
Once you have children, think through various scenarios where the topic of sex might crop up.
For example, you might see dogs mating during a walk in the park with your two-year-old.
If they innocently ask what the dogs are doing, say something simple like: “They’re having cuddles.”
Keep it age appropriate
If your four-year-old asked about dogs in the park, you can say: “That’s how dogs mate so they can have puppies.”
Obviously, as your child gets older you increase the amount of information you give.
Practice makes perfect
You know the BIG questions will start coming from about age six or seven and upwards.
Practice how you’ll go through the age-appropriate basics of sex education.
Don’t assume you can leave it to their school, many teachers fall short on this topic.
If you have a partner, discuss it with them and agree with the things you’ll both say. Singing from the same hymn sheet is key.
Practice gives you the confidence not to squirm when the big questions come.
Use TV storylines
Older children will ask all sorts of things about sex and sexuality.
Use relevant storylines to help.
All these tips give your child confidence to open up to you about their natural curiosity about sex
Pam Spurr
For instance, if a teen has come out as gay in a soap opera, and your child asks about being gay, bring the storyline up.
It helps normalise the situation.
Admit you don’t know the answer
If your child asks you something you don’t know, say something like: “I’m not sure, I’ll look into that and then I’ll let you know.”
All these tips give your child the confidence to open up to you about their natural curiosity about sex.
Plus it’ll mean they come to you about other important topics like being bullied.
Talking to your kids about sex
By Jasleen Saran, qualified teacher and current Educational Lead at Books2Door
Knowing when to have ‘the talk’ with your kids is never easy. We have all been there.
It’s one of those tricky conversations that can feel uncomfortable or even awkward, given the adult nature of topics like ‘the birds and the bees.’
Starting the conversation early can help open the door to open dialogue between children and parents about topics like sexual health and pregnancy.
It allows children to feel more comfortable and less secretive as they grow. It’s all about creating a safe space.
That being said, it doesn’t mean you need to share every last gory detail immediately.
Books naturally spark children’s curiosity, making it easier to open up the conversation whilst allowing the parent to control how much you share depending on your child’s age or your family’s culture.
Reading is an invaluable tool for tackling difficult subjects – not just ‘the birds and the bees.’
If you’re looking for some inspiration to tackle the “talk”, here are a few suggestions:
- Let’s Talk About the Birds and the Bees : Starting conversations about the facts of life (From how babies are made to puberty and healthy relationships)
- The Boys’ & Girls’ Guide to Growing Up by Phil Wilkinson & Anita Naik 2 Books Collection Set – Ages 9-11 – Paperback
And the mistakes you can avoid:
Embarrassment
If you blush and stumble over your words when your child asks about the ‘birds and bees’, they’ll feel your embarrassment.
Such ‘shame’ about discussing sex is transmitted through the generations leading to feelings of awkwardness about sex.
Using nicknames for genitals
It’s crucial to appropriately name the genitals.
Making up words like ‘fou-fou’ for a girl’s vulva or ‘little man’ for a boy’s penis is very unhelpful.
This gives the message that somehow genitals are shameful and must be given other names.
The child or teen should never feel any shame when approaching their parents[/caption]
Don’t ‘shush’ their questions
The quickest way to make a child feel that sex is ‘dirty’ is to shush them when they ask you something about sex.
Don’t say things like: ‘You shouldn’t ask such things.’
Don’t say: ask your father/mother
Avoiding responsibility and putting it on your partner’s shoulders will embarrass your child.
Embarrassment is bad, honesty is good!
Don’t say: when you’re older I’ll answer that
Again, this promotes shame in a child.
Instead, answer to the best of your ability with, again, what you feel is age-appropriate.
More parenting tips
By Danny Zane, Therapist and Founder at North London Therapy Practice
Oversharing
Sharing too much personal information can overwhelm children or make them feel uncomfortable.
Parents should try to find a balance between sharing and respecting their boundaries.
Waiting Until It’s ‘Too Late’
Some parents postpone talking about sex until they think their child is ready.
This can lead to some children being uninformed when they need guidance.
Create a Comfortable Environment
Choose a relaxed setting where your child feels safe.
Be approachable and allow children to ask questions without fear of judgement.
Encourage Questions
Be approachable and allow children to ask questions.
Respond honestly and accurately, ensuring that they understand they can come to you for information without embarrassment or shame.
Revisit the Conversation
This discussion about sex should not be a one-time conversation.
Normalise the subject, ensuring your child feels supported as they grow and encounter new experiences.
